Cats
Dear Jennifer, Thanks so much for being willing to look after things while I’m away. As promised, here is a list of some things to be aware of. Gratefully, Dr. Leo Endicott
Mixed Marriage
I didn’t know I was going to do it until I did it. I just couldn’t stand the idea of her getting her hooks into him. Why couldn’t he see that she was just a whore? She was willing to sell her body just to get citizenship status, which as far as I could tell, she didn’t deserve. She hardly spoke English, at least not so you could understand her. So I had to stop it. When the minister asked…
Our Last Camping Trip
Every summer, our family went camping in Ontario. These days, they call it car camping, but we just called it camping. We packed up a lot of stuff in the back of our red 1962 Buick station wagon and headed out. It probably only happened once or twice, but it seemed like an important part of the trip was driving several hundred miles, realizing we had forgotten something, and turning around to go back for it, My parents were…
Community
I watched this weird show the other night. It was part of a series on alternative lifestyles. The trailer showed a bunch of inter-racial couples, some people in polygamous relationships, and, of course, survivalists. So, kind of a mixed bag. Anyway, the show I caught was about these people who were living in what they called an “intentional community.” I guess that means the rest of us are unintentional, or something, I don’t know. They probably didn’t mean it as a…
Married
I tell people I’m married. It just makes it easier. No one asks questions about my wife. And it makes me look better, more stable – a happily married man. Well, maybe not so happily, or else what am I doing in bed with you, but a stable married man. Married for twenty five years. The truth is, Alison left me after three years. What we had, I know I can never have again. There isn’t a day when I…
Fairy Tales
My mother told us bedtime stories. I listened carefully to every word. Some of the things I learned: Don’t eat porridge that is too hot or too cold. It’s okay if an infinite number of princes die trying to cut through the thorns that have grown up over the castle, but the princess must be prevented from dying (although not from sexual assault) by having her fall asleep. Chasing after the approval of a mirror for your looks is a…
Hat Factory
When I was in middle school, they took us on a tour of a hat factory. I think that I had not even known that such things existed. Hats are not as popular now as they were back in the forties or fifties, but this place still made those old-fashioned men’s hats: fedoras or trilbies, maybe even Stetsons. It had been important once, this hat factory. It had stood near the center of town and had been the town’s second most…
A Parting Gift
Right before we broke up, my boyfriend gave me a sweater for my birthday. It was very beautiful, made of forest green wool. I told him thanks, and closed the box. No, no, he said, try it on. Okay, I said. I took it out of the box. It looks too small for me, I said (you should know that my body is on the large side). No, he said, try it on. I’m sure it will fit. I pulled…
How to Train Your Dog
The thing to remember about dogs is that they are actually partly tame wolves. This method of training them is to work with their inner wolf. You will need to source a supplier of sheep, since especially at the beginning, you will be using them as a reward. Choose the sheep based on your dog’s breed: obviously it would be difficult for a cockapoo to take down a large ram. Wolves are nocturnal, so schedule your training for night time,…
Even More Adventures of Bruce and JC
Netflix and Chill “Do we have plans for this evening?” “Not unless I have to work. You know, crime never sleeps. What would you be up for?” “Let’s just get a pizza and watch something.” “Okay, I’ll call in the order and you pick something. Anchovies?” “Only if you like them, Bruce. Let’s see. Ben-Hur, no. King of Kings, no. Hey, have you seen the Barbie movie?” “Yeah, a couple of times.” “The Dark Knight Rises?” “Hard pass. Christian Bale?…